Express. Exude. Radiate.

I missed the announcement for the start of Ramadhan on TV this year, so it was nice to hear from friends and family how it's happening this Sunday. Therefore, I'd like to wish those fasting this year a Ramadhan Mubarak! \(^__^)/

I'm happy to be seeing this month visiting us again, but to be quite honest..

I'm feeling rather bittersweet about it all.

It's funny how easy it seems for me to easily express myself on blog posts when I was a lot younger, but writing out emotions sometimes can be a remedy and it brings a sense of calmness to me. Something about writing away feelings can make someone feel at ease. Maybe it’s just me. –shrugs- I honestly don't know who bothers to read anything with long texts anymore these days, so I guess, it's no harm done on me trying to be open about some things in my life.

A LOT of things have happened over the course of the past few years.

What makes it especially different for Ramadhan this year would be for my family.

Why?

I guess it's been a touchy subject for me to really open up about this publicly, but I guess I've overcome some emotions after a long time and well.. it's all because..

My parents have been officially separated.

They have been apart for more than a year.

In the past, the anticipation for Ramadhan and Eid usually gets very exciting and filled with color, but it seems that this year-  for the very first time ever - it's this big, drastic change.

My parents would have been married for 33 years this September 25th, which is a VERY long time. Just thinking about the countries and places we've lived and been to, the highest levels of joy and lowest of struggles we have faced as a family together can make my heart just feel so heavy. Eversince learning what feelings were, every memory I have of my parents have been fully absorbed into my mind and my heart, it can really be painful to see that this separation is happening at this current time for my family.

Some say it's easier when parents get separated when a child is at a young age with no memory of anything to recall back, some say it is very tough. But to be for real, NO person would be okay to see their parents separated, even if I am a full on grown adult, I honestly still feel it is a tough place to be in. This could happen to anyone of any age, NO ONE likes to see their parents suddenly drift apart from each other. Most of us have learned about love from seeing examples, especially seeing love that our parents have HAS been the first type of LOVE we have all firstly ever experienced in life!

I don't know why this separation issue in my family- and most families- has to always be such a secret or something that's taboo for all of us to open up to. It always has to be something to be kept in the dark, I mean..I can understand, I usually like to keep it away from my mind too.

Well, who am I kidding? I did had a hard time talking openly about it in person because..I just really don't want to break down and get vulnerable in front of anyone about it. I just usually try to be strong, but is that really a way to get through things, even after a long time of being strong about it?

This isn’t me trying to look for a pity party, I’m frankly and genuinely opening up how these years have been a struggle to deal with my parents’ separation.

I’m also just thinking about how this has affected NOT only me, but my brothers, my relatives and my whole outlook in life. I really don’t care about reputation being destroyed or slightly tainted, I mean..what’s that without being my truest self? At the end of the day, it all boils down to reality and the REALITY is..this is happening to me right now, so, really.. screw reputation. I am being real. I am giving my honest self to you.

I just don’t like awkward energy and vibes from anyone, especially those I love from the day I was born into this world.

It’s not to say I am dwelling, I haven’t in a long time.. and I have moved on past that..it’s just that, in this present time of the year- that’s supposed to be of celebration and peace -I recall back the memories of my parents having a ball of time with all of us, I have tried my best to move on and keep moving forward. It HAS been a long time since they first separated, but let’s just say some people in my family aren’t fully moved on and I have to always keep a firm front to balance out the sadness that is around me when I am home.

As for myself..

I just have to learn to stop crying.

And fortunately, there have been moments from the past couple years in my life that I have been fully proud of. –pats my own back- :) I get a sense of relief from a lot of the choices I have decided on pursuing in my life.

Though there were ties broken over the years and I have lost loved ones, I have managed to find a place in myself where I can truly feel at peace and not worry to depend on anyone about anything.

I have learned that happiness stems from me being happy with myself and it’s been what I have been doing for some time now. I feel that I have come a long way. I have learned a lot about myself, about my wants, about trying harder, finding things to look forward to and I have learned to somehow submit myself to Him. He who knows what’s best for me and my family. Even if my faith/iman isn’t as full throttle, hadouken strong, I can at least say I am always learning. I hope no one judges me or would try to pick on my weaknesses.

I am always learning.

:’)

Wow, writing this down has been putting this spirit of mine feel rested and I am happy that Ramadhan is finally here soon to be with all of us. It will be a new experience for me but I am always looking at the brighter side of things and welcoming Ramadhan with open arms.

Selamat Berpuasa to everyone participating and have a beautiful one with your loved ones this year.

Ramadhan Mubarak! Ramadhan Kareem!

My peace and love to you, whoever you will be.

xo,

Tiff